the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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