you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
