Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
