Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
