if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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