I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize