Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
