guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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