Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
