I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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