If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
