Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She said her name was "party"
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
