The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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