In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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