please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize