I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
