Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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