She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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