Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Randomize