how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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