Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
