you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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