I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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