I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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