I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
