was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
