listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
