If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
