Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
