another moral hangover. fuck.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
