Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
