you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
