Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
