She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
