the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize