I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
