Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
