Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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