one word: firstdatebathroomanal
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
