1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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