lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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