Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
