Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
