If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize