instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
