you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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