Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
