Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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