Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i need some magic done to my vagina
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
