i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
