I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
