its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
