We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
