Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
