Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
