I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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