I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
