I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I want to be your penis for a week.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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